Personal Update

Its really hard to describe sometimes what I am feeling. The elusive "how are you" question usually arises and most of the time people don't really care how you feel. It's just a polite thing to say. So really, how am I? Well that's a matter of a day to day basis. Most days I go on with daily life just living as most people do. But it's those small things that get you, like the truncated domes or a song on the radio. It's been four months. Most people think that four months is a long time, but to me its ONLY been four months.

I had a really hard moment of weakness. My sister-in-law got married last month, and while I was so happy for her, there was that sadness. All I could think about was my wedding day, and how I danced with him and all the things we did. I tried very hard to contain it, but I did have my moments. They were unavoidable. I tried to not make it about me. I tried to be brave, thought that I could listen to his CD one day on my way home, but it wouldn't play in my car. My friend said that he didn't want me to cry while driving. She's probably right. I can't watch movies with father/daughter goodbye's....they make me really sad. I mean I watched The Little Mermaid the other night and at the end when she gets married and says goodbye to her dad I just started crying. I know that this is all normal and part of the healing process, but its hard to swallow. I swear that book "The Last Song" was written about my life....minus the Miley Cyrus and thievery part. If you haven't seen the movie, go watch it....it's good. I just can't ever watch it again without bawling my eyes out. (not like I didn't do that the first time I saw it)

Then there is the guilt. It's not like I don't have my step dad who has been in my life since I was 2! He walked me down the aisle and has always been there for me. I don't want him to feel like I care about him less, because that's not true. I am just having a strong emotional reaction, which is different for everyone. My mom says that he doesn't understand because he didn't have a strong connection with his family. I guess I just need to find the balance for my grief and showing him that I still love him.

I have been throwing myself into projects. Party planning, and such. Just to keep my mind occupied. Luckily I have enough going on between bridal showers, court of honors, bachelorette parties and weddings to go around. But what happens when its all over in October and I don't have a task to focus on? Then right around the corner is my first Thanksgiving without him? Then Christmas? Then the anniversary? Am I getting to far ahead of myself? Probably. Reel yourself back in and take one day at a time. I know that things will be slow to heal and I will have my ups and downs.