Warning.....this is not a fun photo filled journey post. The is emotion riddled and full of my inner thoughts. If you don't want to read this I won't be offended. I just need to get it out. - <3 YouI apologize if this blog has seemed to be a shell. A facade of the blog that it should be. Well I guess the reason for that is because the author is like a shell/facade of what she should be. Trying to save face for the fear of breaking down completely. I have to be strong for those who need me to be. Why? I never understood why I do this. Unable to let out my fears and sorrow. Put on the armor and don't let anyone in. I see the edges starting to crack. The emotion is spewing out. I guess the most constructive way to let it come is through writing. So here it is.
Things were going wonderfully. Or so I thought. The naive person I let myself be didn't help me, it only hindered my grief. I thought, "They caught it early, he will be fine." Never hearing the "No cure" and other warning signs from people around me. I went on about life, knowing deep down that things were not ok, but never let on. Stay strong and things will be fine. What now? I feel defeated, and heartbroken to hear the words. "We stay comfortable and enjoy what time we have left. Enjoy all the memories that we have." My blood, my heart, is slowly leaving me. I do believe that we will see each other again, but where? In heaven? Will he visit me? Questions, questions, questions. There are always uncertainties in my head. People say, everything will be ok. We will be ok. It will get easier. Will the guilt get easier? Will it go away? I feel guilty for so much. For the years that we didn't spend together. For living so far away. For not calling as often as I should. People say not to have regrets, but I do. I am only human. To wish for things to be different. To wish for health, and love, and no pain.
Other thoughts circle my head. Things that I have feared from the beginning, but could not help. What if my children never get to meet him? It's becoming a reality. I never met my grandfather and they will not meet one of theirs. Stupid stress and ovaries! >/ All I can do about that is pass on the memories, and tell them mommy was a lot like him. What I will miss most are his hugs, and the way he loved everyone around him. Including Darin. I will miss his laugh and his stories. But I will miss HIM the most. As the time gets closer and closer, I get more and more sad. I know this is normal, sadness, anger. It's all part of the grieving process. I just want him to know how much I love him! And I always will.
Hopefully now I can cope with writing a speech. I feel its the right thing for me to do. To honor him with words and love. Also to have his spirit live on through all of us.
Love you!! We're all here for you and I'm glad you're able to let it out even if it's only in writing. I know it's not the same at all, but I understand your regret of being so far away. With my nana passing yesterday I cried and felt so much sadness but deep down a part of me was happy because I know that she's not in any pain now and that she can finally rest alongside my papa. I only wish I had the chance to get to know them more; living in another country really made that part difficult, but the memories I have of them are fond, and the stories my dad told me will live on forever.
ReplyDeleteNo matter the fate, keep your memories close and retell your stories. Your love for him will always be in your heart no matter where you go. Someday you'll meet again but until then, honor him by living life to it's fullest and carrying him with you.
Big Hugs!!
Diane, I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I am so sorry that you and you family are dealing with this. It is unfair. It is Ok to say that and to feel that. Please know I am here for you. I also want to gently suggest counseling. As a therapist, I know how hard it can be to take that first step, find a good therapist, and open your heart. If you find someone to talk to who is schooled in loss and grief, it may help you through this process. Know that you dad loves you more than anything in the world, and he would not want you to stop living your life, feeling guilt or having regrets. I know living far away can be sad, but the happiest you dad will ever be, will be knowing YOU are happy!
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