Goodbye

I have never been one that is good with the word goodbye. I hate leaving people that I love and when they leave me. It's usually a see you later, never goodbye. In the past month I have been punched in the face with reality. It has left me sore, red eyed and tired. I don't really know how I am feeling. Devastated is the first word that comes to mind. In my 27 years of life this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I have to come to grips with this reality and say goodbye to my daddy.

On April 14th 2011, my father lost the battle to brain cancer. Like a true soldier he put up one hell of a fight. At 52 years of age, he was far too young. My mom called me that afternoon, right after it happened, and I went straight to work getting myself put together to hop on a plane. Bright and early, after only 2 hours of sleep, Darin and I got on a plane and off we were. I don't remember much from Saturday and Sunday, I just know that we were busy with preparations and picking people up from the airport. Monday was the first step. We had the church service. It was all surreal up until that point, but sitting in the church, watching the photo montage that my mom put together everything came into reality. There was no open casket, but when Darin and the rest of the pallbearers brought in the casket I knew this was truly happening. Darin read a prayer, and there were wonderful speakers that shared some of their own personal experiences. Ed shared about him being a military man and a husband, Jerry about his loyalty and character, Paul about his work ethic, Jeff about his friendships and neighborly side, and I spoke about who he was to me; my daddy. Many people came up to me afterward saying how strong I had been to speak. I am a Saunders, we are given a task and we forge ahead and do it. He never complained, never said why me, and never felt sorry for himself so why should I? After the service the pallbearers took his casket, they removed the white cloth that had been draped on it, and replaced it with the American Flag. I had forgotten that this is when they do this. After speaking to many people that knew him and came to pay their respects to him, over 200, we went to Lady's home for dinner. We all reminisced about daddy, and I got to meet a couple more family members that I hadn't before.

Tuesday we awoke and got ready for the military service at the cemetery. The military does it all perfect for their veterans. They had the 21 gun salute and taps, as well as the flag folding ceremony. We payed our last respects to a wonderful man, I said goodbye. He now rests at Florida National Cemetery in Bushnell Florida. After the emotional ceremony, I had never been to a military service before although I knew what to expect, we went back to my parents home and celebrated his life more with stories, laughter, and great friends.

On our last day in Florida; Darin, my mom and I went and visited him. The hardest part of the whole thing was knowing that he was gone. Even though we all felt like it was surreal, and expected him to come walking through the door. The knowing that things will not be the same ever again. Our lives have changed forever and we must now learn a new normal. Between my mom and I we have many people that are there for us and will always be there for us. "It's like a storm, that cuts a path. It breaks your will. It feels like that. You think you're lost, but you're not lost on your own you're not alone. I will stand by you, I will help you through. When you've done all you can do, If you can't cope. I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I won't let go" Even though times are tough right now, I keep the faith and know that we will see each other again someday! I want to thank everyone for their kind words and help in my time of need. This journey is far from over, but I am on the path to healing.

Please feel free to read the speech that I wrote/read at the service:

I don’t believe that the strength of a man can be measured in brawn and brute. It is measured by his character, how he lives, loves, and the company he keeps. But my father lived by both definitions. He was strong physically on the outside, but also a tender soul on the inside.


In my last few visits to Florida Daddy was dealing with cancer. Physically and emotionally it must have been very difficult for him, but he never complained, never wanted pity and went on with his daily life as normally as he could. The disease and the drugs may have changed the exterior but his personality never changed. Strong willed and determined to succeed in all aspects of his life. He approached every obstacle head on and made sure he always had the proper “tools.” He taught me many things over the years, and how to use my tools properly. How to paint a fence, change a tire, catch a fish, and drive various machines like the truck, the boat, and the mower. My first attempt at the mower was a favorite memory of his, Daryl’s and myself. I was sitting on the mower and daddy was showing me how to use all of the gadgets….how to start it, where the brake is, how to turn the choke, how to push it to full throttle and how to start it up. Then he turned, pointed at a ditch in the pasture, and said “Whatever you do, don’t drive over there. There is a ditch and you will get stuck.” I said to him “ok” and away I went. He and Daryl turned and watched me drive straight into the ditch. He taught many others things as well. My husband Darin went through what Daryl affectionately calls “Rambo Training.” Daddy taught him to use a chainsaw, pack bearings on the boat trailer, to use a table saw, how to miter corners and a planer to make a special project one trip.


I had many trips to Florida filled with fun times, and other short trips that were full of great memories. St. Augustine was where we saw the oldest school house, the fort and the alligator farm. In St. Pete we sat either pool or beach side, and a trip to Crabby Bills where daddy made a bet with me about a key chain. I wanted this keychain so badly, some silly trinket that I needed to have from my trip. He bought one for me and one for him saying “I bet that I will keep my keychain longer than you.” To which I replied that I would keep mine longer. He bet me that if he ever asked me to produce that keychain, and I didn’t still have it that I would owe him fifty dollars. Over the years of purging and gaining new possessions, somehow the keychain got misplaced or given away. So, I have to admit now that daddy won the bet.


Even with all the trips and events that we had, some of our best times were spent sitting beside one another; talking, pondering, sharing, hugging, and sitting up late with Daddy when Daryl would go to bed. We had our own language that we shared and a bond that could only happen between a father and his daughter. I never questioned his love for me, because he wasn’t shy to show it. Many people say how alike we were, things like genetic traits, looks, and my mild case of OCD. But we were most alike in our love for music. He with his guitar and me with the piano. When I would come to visit I would play on the keyboard and he would play along. I think back to all the times when he would pluck the strings and they left a lasting impression. I love to listen to the airy sound of an acoustic guitar and he gave me that love.


When I was getting married, he had Daryl had come to celebrate with us, but to also meet my husband to be. I was nervous. Daddy could be intimidating at first and I didn’t know how either would take to each other. When Darin walked in daddy shook his hand and introduced himself with a hug. Afterward we shared a meal and I knew they were friends and forever family. Earlier last year, Darin and I were watching our wedding videos. A friend of ours who used our video camera wandered around after the ceremony asking people to say a few words to the new couple. When he happened upon daddy and Daryl, they said a wonderful and meaningful speech, but the best part happened directly after. Our friend looked at them and said “That was the best one so far!” As he turned the camera to move onto the next person you can hear in the distance my father say “of course it was, it was from her father!” I giggle every time I think of this because it was such a daddy statement!


To him I was “His Angel” his baby girl and his cutie pie. When I was very young after a bath I would get dried off. Then I would peek around the corner, knowing what would happen. As soon as he saw me he would start yelling “nudie, nudie, nudie!” I would giggle and run around the house without a stitch of clothing on. Very few knew about daddy’s gentle side. The silliness that he possessed, his warm hugs and tender kisses; but to Daryl and me it was a daily occurrence. The way he loved was unlike anyone else and he did so unconditionally. Many of you know that he made a cd, but few knew the meaning behind two of the songs. One was written for Daryl and one was written for me. These songs will be special to us forever, because the courage that it takes not only to put feelings into words but to write a song is a talent not many possess. He was a very very special person.


Everyone in attendance today is here because he loved you and you loved him in return. He was always there in times of need, usually with a drink in hand. A shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a voice of advice and a heart of love. In my last visit to Florida, during his stay in hospice, I had a chance to meet and visit with some important people in his life. His mom, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, childhood pals, Air Force buddies, special colleagues, dear friends and neighbors; a number too great to count all came to share a story, spend special times, laugh and cry. I heard stories of fun that was shared with so many friends that had an unconditional love for him. Some brought raspberry tea, others milkshakes, some brought special tokens like a sign, The Wall. When Daddy was a teenager, he and his pals would sit and socialize at a place they called simply, The Wall. It was made of stone and made a great place for teens to gather. On a trip back home to Haverhill with some of those very same pals, George, Lisa, Jerry, Beth, Brian; someone mentioned that the only thing missing was “the wall”. The next time Daddy and Daryl went to Haverhill a new wall was
constructed complete with an official street sign. George a pal since they were three cut down the sign and brought it to Daddy in Hospice. It is now proudly displayed in his house.


When Uncle Brian, George and Jerry arrived for their visit to the hospice, things went slightly ary. Best man Ed had shown up with fried clams and beer, to which daddy was very grateful to receive. 30 seconds into their visit, Jerry went to hug daddy and in one swoop of the arm completely dumped the entire glass of beer all over the bed. A commotion erupted in the room which brought the nurse, but it brought an even bigger smile to his face to have all of his loved ones their by his side. It was very important for me to hear the stories and see the love that he was surrounded by. Each of you shares a special place in my heart as well.


I recently read a novel in which the author described heaven in a way that I had never thought of before. Not the clouds and endless sea of souls that I had imagined, but a different place for each person. One that is special to them. It got me thinking to what daddy’s heaven would be like. In his heaven it would always be Sunday at the Saunders. Good food and expensive wine would be a plenty. He would have every tool imaginable. There would be a place for everything and it would always be “just-so”. If it wasn’t Sunday at the Saunders, he would be lounging in his pool, fishing on a lake full of bass, riding his Harley with Magic and Derby by his side, making a woodworking project or strumming along on his acoustic guitar. He has all the memories of his life with all of us and is watching over us. When things get hard, as they will do again, he will always have that shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a voice of advice and a heart of love.


I love you to bits.