Things of a mental nature

Ok, I know I promised updates on many other things first and I promise I will. I just have been needing to write about some other things that have been on my mind. Sometimes I read other people's blogs and see the lack of fear in writing about things that have happened in their lives. I wish I could be that person. One who could write down every single thought that has ever crossed their mind, but then I think about it and change my mind. What if I die and can't explain myself? No no no, some thoughts just need to be left in my head!

I have said that not much has gone on in my life as of recently, but that wasn't true. A lot has happened in my life, but I wanted to keep it to myself. Even though I have a blog and am not shy about certain things....I am a VERY private person. I have been open about other things however so I will share about my struggles.

It has been 14 months since my father passed. Let me tell you, that first year was the hardest I have ever experienced in my whole life. The first 6 months weren't too tough, but I think that I was just in denial. I didn't want to believe that he was gone. Right around his birthday, in September, it all really sunk in. I started to fall. Really fall into a deep depression. This I was also in denial of. Through October and the holiday season I truly felt so unhappy and sad, that I would come home from work and sleep. The only thing that made me feel better was the gym. D would try, but I wouldn't let him in. We had a really rough couple of months. This continued through March, fueled by many other things, but mostly on the impending anniversary. Memories were flooding in at an alarming rate and I was unsure how to deal with them. My world came to a stand still. Not moving forward, just saying in one place. Life was moving around me, but I didn't know how to get back on the ride and I so desperately wanted to. A friend emailed me with concern a couple months back. She has a degree in Family therapy and the things she said to me really stuck. I was in denial about my depression and really didn't want to have the stigma of a "mental illness" on me. She said to me that it's ok to ask for help, to acknowledge that I am going through a rough patch. The things that I was doing were not healthy; pushing people away, hiding out in my "shell."

I took her words to heart and really examined my life. Certain things happen and time does heal a little, but its taking that first step into understanding yourself that truly makes the healing process happen. I have examined myself, my life and the people in it. I have made the effort to show D how much he means to me, and am sorry for the way things happened. He is my rock. I couldn't ask for a better person to share my life with. We make the effort to do things together, and to truly enjoy our lives because we never know when our time will come. I have made the effort to let go of the negative energies that surrounded me, and spend my time with people who truly care and understand what I went through. I have re-kindled old friendships, made new ones and D and I can only ask to have wonderful people in our lives at all times.

Now that my mind is on the mend, I still have a ways to go but will get there, we can focus on what's truly important to us. Starting a family. This road has already been a long and rough journey, but we are willing to make the sacrifices so that we can have a family of our own. Things of the physical nature are finally starting to re-set and I am looking forward to the next phase in our lives. We welcome any challenge that comes our way with open arms and clear minds!

Thanks!