I began this blog as a way to describe some of those pent up feelings that are left inside me, and less as a DIY or whats going on in my life, however it seems that it has turned into all three. Up until this point I haven't really talked about any feelings. Here we go. The last couple of months have been strange for me. An odd sense of uncertainty and heaviness has left me feeling quite strange. I can't exactly pin point a particular incident that sparked it, but there it has been, looming underneath in my subconscious. I can't help but feel like I am being a scrooge, but somehow something is missing this year. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I should be overjoyed with all the happenings going on around me, but I am not.
For the Thanksgiving holiday, Darin and I went to Florida to visit my father and step mom. Being that Thanksgiving is my step mom's favorite holiday and they are a multi-religion household and Christmas is less important we started this tradition of spending Thanksgiving with the Saunders clan. Last year,
on July 15, 2009, my father was diagnosed with a stage four glio blastoma multiforme, an aggressive form of brain cancer. His strong will, access to experimental drugs and faith have allowed him to live a normal life. He is currently cancer free, but will always be on experimental drugs to prevent any return of this cancer. Because of this horrible disease, I have come to the realization that people don't live forever. Yes all this time I knew that, but its hard to understand it when a person of a young age comes close to it. I haven't really ever talked about how I feel, I just tend to push it down into myself and suppress it. So this is why we have chosen to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with the Saunders'. It is always wonderful to see the other side of my family and for Darin to see where I get the other half of my personality from. That stubbornness had to come from somewhere.
This year my father made the decision to copyright and publish his music and sell it online as to check off a bucket list item. Now the CD isn't up for purchase yet, but it is for sale through me if you are interested. He will be donating some of the proceeds for cancer research. Many years ago, sometime after my mom and father split, he wrote a song for me, which is included in the CD. I still have a hard time listening to the song, because the lyrics are straight from the heart.
My Angel
by Bob Saunders
There’s only two times I’ve seen an Angel
The first time was when your momma became my wife
And the second time, was just as beautiful.
It was the day you came into my life.
It wasn’t very long, after you were born
I couldn’t keep it together and in two short years you were gone
I guess I made some big mistakes back in those early years
I always thought about you as I cried my share of tears
Now you’re getting on in age, you have a whole life of your own
The happiness you’ve made, may you never be alone
Live each day for all its worth, and take life in stride
Just call your daddy now and then, to let me know you’re alright
There’s only two times I’ve seen an Angel
The first time was when your momma became my wife
And the second time, was just as beautiful.
It was the day you came into my life.
Oh it was the day you came into my life.
After the past year, seeing my father overcome such hardships and still have a positive outlook on life, it has made me realize that somethings are not worth the heartache and aggravation. The Serenity Prayer said it right: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. This year as we all make our New Years Resolutions, mine is not going to be your standard I will lose weight and be healthier, or I will save money this year. Mine is going to be to try to understand where people around me are coming from, and to not feel like I am being stepped on. I will go my own path and if other cannot accept it, so be it. I must understand that I cannot make everyone happy all the time (even though I try) but to try and make myself and my marriage to Darin the happiest it can be. To not feel like a victim, or feel sorry for myself. This is a vow I make to myself.

